The Woman I Would Like To Become
Sep 20th, 2009 | By randa | Category: Personal Stories
(4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading ...Every morning I wake up in my bed with a sore feeling in my throat, I let my hand slide over my body and say to myself: “My God, another day of suffering in this body that doesn’t belong to me.” I find my way to the bathroom, look in the mirror, but don’t recognize myself. I wash my face while looking deeply into the eyes of that stranger watching me, imitating every move I make. The stranger who is far from being me… I observe my hands while having my breakfast. I wish my nails were longer. Every time I clip them I am in tears… I wear my jeans and my polo t-shirt although I am constantly dreaming of putting on a dress that would bring out my curves, scream out my femininity.
I leave the house. While walking in the streets; I imagine myself with long hair, high heels, and make up like every modern woman going to work. I touch my head; I can’t feel the hair I imagine between my fingers. I lower my head, close my eyes, and I cross the street with the hope of being smashed by a car… to believe that death runs away from me…
I arrive to the office and sit behind my desk. I struggle to hold back my tears and try to work. I look at my female colleagues lamenting their womanhood and I tell them with a look “How lucky you are! You don’t realize the happiness you are surrounded with. If only you knew!!”
I go back home at night and on the street I look at the people minding their own business and I feel like shouting to them “Can you feel the fire consuming me, this pain that never leaves me? Do you think you can handle what I am enduring? Would you understand me if I reveal to you my secret that is eating me alive?”
Once I am home, I rush to the computer so I can connect online, so I can forget myself. This virtual world
has become my enchanted garden, my shelter, an escape from the implacable cruel reality of my life. Exhausted, at the end of the night, I disconnect. I lie on my bed and anesthetize myself with sleep and with the ardent prayer of not waking up the next day…
Good night and sweet dreams…
i <3 you randa!! and i <3 your writing! you write so beautifully.
i know the feeling. the boy inside me is screaming!
today i was the mall and lots of people were staring, esp the teenage boys. at my face. at my breasts. back at my face. they couldnt tell if i was a boy or a girl. and they came up to me and pretended they were asking how to find something in the supermarket. i knew they were lying. they talked to me in the male pronoun. since its safer that way, if theyre not sure. i tried not to loose my temper. i tried not to cry.
randa this is a superb article. amazing.
i love the way you express yourself with such passion.
if only things were the way we dreamed them to be or wished them to be. if only you could be the woman you wish to be or amahl the boy or me – undecided and just wanna be in the middle.
if only everything was that simple. inspirational article that truly touches you deep inside when you realize the passion it is written by.
Randa, great piece. I wish I can say I feel your pain or know how it feels to be trapped. I can only read what you write, learn from you and get inspired by what you endure.
Do not let go, I am sure you will wake up a woman one day.