I Love You!

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I love you!

Was it that hard to say?

You knew I did, I couldn’t hide it. You were sleeping; I whispered it in your ear. It happened twice. But why couldn’t I say it out loud?

Aahh! I feel like screaming it, shouting it at the top of my lungs! I need to tell the world that she is the one I loved.

I wish I had the strength to say it loud and proud back then.

All I did is express my fears, use wrong words, make her feel insecure, then burst into tears. She took my hand, held me tight, and wiped tears when I cried.

But I ruined everything.

Here’s my story, here’s how I built fear and insecurity, how I couldn’t see myself the way I am:

I have a great family but a very conservative one; loving mother, hardworking father and caring brothers.

I’ve been pushed to do great things in my life through sport, music, education, etc.

I would have never been able to achieve half what I am today without my supportive family, my overprotective family.

I never told anyone, and I don’t know why I am telling you now, but I’ve been deceived by men several times.

I was 9 years old when the stepbrother of my close friend asked me to show him how far I could swim in the sea. He talked about the sky. Amazement, bewilderement followed by huge disturbance and much more; all happened in seconds. A mess of indescribable feelings. He just wanted idle pleasure.

I had to travel a lot and my coach used to protect me until he just changed his mind. I was 13, when my coach enjoyed every ride after Saturday trainings. I was 14 when my music teacher gave me extra hours because he thought I had talent.

My mother used to take me every day to training waited several hours and accompanied me everywhere. She wanted to know all my parent’s friends she was trying to surround me with safe good people. But well, maybe her trust was misplaced or it’s just that these things can happen to anyone.

I didn’t understand what was happening or why they were happening. I just remember that once I was at my friend’s place and it was her birthday, she was showing us how internet works and how great Google is. “Sex” was the first word I typed, I even clicked on “porn” to see how things go. I was clueless. It was awkward. We made things look funny then we pretended to be grown ups, closed the sites, and never talked about it.

In fact it made me angry, disgusted, I hated it.

Their smell was awful I couldn’t let go of it. I used to take long aggressive showers to make it go.

I was a quiet and silent person. I was always worried about my parents, how any bad thing that could happen to me would break my mum’s heart and make her feel sad and angry or even guilty.

I decided to pretend like nothing ever happened and forget everything.

It was easy since these things never meant anything to me. I was never hurt, I didn’t have any open wounds or any other kind of wounds. These men never took anything from me. But I never opened up to anybody. I buried these memories somewhere far and deep. I still see these people around pools, at the beach, or even on TV.

I’m indifferent. Sometimes I just feel like nothing really happened.

I kinda made a bubble for myself and grew up in it. I was comfortable with myself, but I tended to take intimate things very slow in my relationships. I was never able to take things to another level with any man.

It just never felt right. I didn’t feel anything special that would make me take any step forward intimately, although I had many opportunities, especially while abroad. But I was convinced and my way felt normal to me.

I stood up to my principles; never do anything unless I really feel something special, that urge, that need, it must feel right.

21 and I was still saving myself; and my feelings.

Before I give my body, I must be comfortable enough to give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. I didn’t need careless physical joy. I rejected every man who made me feel like a hole or some cheap toy.

I never doubted my sexual orientation. Maybe I should have but I never really thought about it.

My family is twisted enough to accept people and diversities, to respect gay people, but think that these things just happen to others.

I never talked about anything concerning my personal life.

I once kissed a girl in Turkey.

It didn’t feel awkward, but being with a girl wasn’t the usual thing that I was used to seeing.

I was about to believe that I’ll never experience that “fall” everybody talked about, this weird attachment that make them see things differently.

22, I started experiencing new feelings.

She was tall and beautiful. If the moon smiled, it would resemble her.

I used to watch her pass by, listen to what she says to people, envy them a bit when they used to get warm greetings from her. I smiled at her once when she spilled her coffee cup. She had magical eyes. I swear to you, even you, if you look her in the eyes, you wouldn’t be able to stop staring. She was interesting; something about her was special.

But still, I never thought about anything with her.

Going out or even dating a ‘she’ wasn’t really one of the things that I normally do, although I flirted with some girls, I even gave some a quick kiss but never took any of it seriously.

She was different. She intrigued me.

We started talking and hanging out. I was comfortable and happy around her

I felt normal and natural. I would talk to her all day then sleep and I would miss her in the morning.

She even managed to give me butterflies! Amazing tingling inside me that goes up through my spine making me shiver. The thought of her made me smile.

I trusted her, she gave meaning to my days and made me dream at night even my trainings seemed easier!

By that time, I was still surrounded by old boys that seemed interested in me.

I have a great family but that wasn’t so open. I’m not comfortable talking about any of that with them especially that I never talked about anything else before.

It was even weird to talk about it with my closest friends.

Every second I spent with her made me feel alive. Made my heart skip a beat.

I felt secure for the first time in my life. I couldn’t get enough of her.

But I was lost. She turned my world upside down, in a good way but still, I was on shaky grounds. I even felt that I’m stabbing my family in the back, betraying them!

I wasn’t sure about myself, it was huge to me. I tried hanging around men to “double-check” how I feel about the so-called “normal relationship – it was a dumb move I must say – I even tried to kiss a guy who had feelings for me. I ended hurting her and not feeling a thing for him.

The way I grew up didn’t help me out here much; it’s like “we respect gay people but these things just happen to others”.

They never said it but that could be what they might say.

Oh well I’m one of them and I’m happy I’m a lesbian.

It’s strange how I’m smiling and saying it so easily. I wish I could have said it a while ago, because all my questioning and coming in phase wasn’t easy, and it made me loose the one person I had fallen for, the one person I truly loved. I was infatuated with her. I still am.

Sometimes I just think that I’ll never get over her. Or maybe that I just don’t want to. I’m not sure. She still runs through my mind and make my heart beat. It will not stop.

Sometimes it hurts and some other times it’s so intense that I see myself with her as if I’ll never give her up.

I don’t think I did.

Whatever we are now and whatever we become, she will always be a part of me, a precious part of me.

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3 Responses to “I Love You!”

  1. B.

    Apr 01. 2013

    I just wonder, are you Turkish?

    Reply to this comment
  2. Elizabeth

    Jan 30. 2012

    Very beautifully written!

    Reply to this comment

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